Stew

Many people have asked Mike and me in the last few weeks how things are going with our adoption or how they can be praying for us. And we are so incredibly thankful for your support. We also don’t always know how to respond or what to say in that moment, so we wanted to give you a little better idea of what is going on. 

Logistically we hope to leave for Ethiopia sometime in the next 3 months.  We have been told we may have as short as a week’s notice to travel.  We are also currently trying to find ways to raise a little more money and we are still in the throes of paperwork.  Emotional, we are a big stew of excitement, joy, fear, frustration, happiness, smiles and tears.  And with each bite of reality we find ourselves mulling over which flavor will be most prevalent in that moment.  But like a good stew, most bites are an indistinguishable blend of everything.  We know that every emotion is working together, flavoring this experience from beginning to end.  That doesn't change the fact some bites are harder to stomach than others.

So how did we get to this place, to eating this stew of mixed emotions on a daily, no hourly basis? To put it simply, we said yes. We agreed to let God take us down a path of faith and trust without knowing what the road ahead would hold. We decide that God had a far superior handle on how and when our family would be formed. And we trusted that no matter how uncomfortable our faith would feel at times, God is always planted firmly in the middle of it all.

It is through this faithfulness that we arrived here. Here being, right in the middle of a long adoption process with a half-finished house, half sane minds, and completely full hearts. We are near the end of this process but more importantly approaching the beginning of our life as a family of four. And much like the advice people give to prepare for a marriage not a wedding, we find ourselves reckoning each day not only with the paperwork and logistics of bringing home our son but also the reality of the events that necessitated this adoption in the first place. The logistics are extremely stressful, the potential of receiving only a weeks’ notice to travel, figuring out what we will do for both of our jobs and praying that the money and resources we need will be available when we really need them. All of it sends us into a flurry of emotions. But the truth is, the greatest struggle we have experienced in these last few months has nothing to do with those things. I think because deep down we know God is taking care of them, we know because he always has. Maybe not in the way we expected, but in 10 years of being together we have hundreds of examples where God has done, well, what God does. Stepped in and blew us away with his love and provision and grace and mercy. So as much as we wish all the pieces would fall into place, this is not what bring us to our knees, this is not our greatest pray. 

What brings us to our knees, what exposes the raw fleshy parts of our being and drains us of the ability to think straight, is the reality of why and how our sons came to be a part of our family. Adoption has and will continue to be the most joyful thing either of us have ever experienced. It is the closest we will ever come to understanding how God could accept us into his family with so much grace and love. But not unlike Paul or Job or David or Ruth and Naomi, we know full well the joy of the Lord does not mean a life devoid of pain and suffering. In fact James tells us “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” We know all this, we trust that God is faithful, we pray that our boys will someday feel the completeness that only God can gives them, but our hearts still ache. The tears always on the edge of our eye lids and the pain hidden just below the surface. 

So how can you pray for us? Pray for our boys. Pray that they will feel comfortable grieving when they feel the weight of all they have lost. Pray that they will know it is ok to feel incomplete. Pray that they will not feel isolated or different when everyone else has a family tree or baby pictures, or family history. Pray that God would fill the places in their hearts that we as parents can never understand. Pray that they will believe they are valuable and that they will know that they are loved. Pray that they will know it is ok to be mad about the loss of their first family. Pray that they will know that their identity is complicated and it is ok if they don’t want to talk about it or explain it to every person who asks. Pray that above all else, in this very unideal situation that they would believe truly and wholly that God is big enough. That God knows their hurt and shares in their joys and he does not expect them to deal with this part of their life in any way but what they see is best. That they don’t have to be happy or grateful if they instead feel sad and angry for what they lost. Pray that the journey of our boys will be in God’s hands and his hands alone. 

Thank you for loving us enough to pray for our sweet boys and in particular our oldest, who is about to experience an extremely hard transition into life as our son. It will surely be filled with many moments of great joy and happiness but also moments of great sadness and frustration. The stew of life I suppose.