The Elephant

The elephant in the room… you know that thing everyone knows about but doesn’t talk about. In our case that elephant is the absence of our baby. Maybe others don’t feel that way when they are around us… but I always do. Every time I hear the question coming, I think, “Just let’s ignore the elephant in the room, please.” But they don’t, they reveal it as soon as they ask, “how’s the adoption going,” or “you guys are adopting right?” And it is not that I don’t appreciate people wanting to know how we are doing, because really I am thankful for them. It is just that every time that question comes up and the elephant in the roomis revealed, it turns around and steps right on my heart. It crushes my lungs and I struggle to find the words I need. As my heart breaks, I wonder how many more times I can say, “well it’s ok… we are just waiting.” I wonder when I will reach my breaking point? When will that elephant get the best of me? I am pretty sure that day is not far away. I barely make it through the simplest of conversations about our adoption these days. And as thankful as I am for all the love and support we received through the sales of our adoption t-shirts, every time I see a friend or family wearing theirs, the elephant gets bigger. The pain grows deeper as if that 5 tons beast is moving its foot further and further into my heart. I know deep down it is not the question that is the problem; it is not the t-shirt that gets me. It is what those things remind me of… it is the fact that I don’t have my baby. And every time I see a child this rush of mixed emotions goes through my heart. I simultaneously want to run to them and run away from them. I want to run to them because I know they will affirm to me why I so long for my baby and how much I love to be around children. And I want to run away fromthem for fear that they will make that elephant in the room even bigger and more unbearable. Fear that their presence will only reinforce the absence of my baby.

A piece by Banksy obviously addressing "the elephant in the room."

A couple of weekends ago I realized how much this “elephant” was affecting me. I spent most of the weekend playing with the many kids at our church retreat. I ran around with them and did crafts and in general had a great time. They were a wonderful distraction from my own desires… until they were gone. As I sat by the campfire, after most of the kids had gone to bed, I felt so incredibly alone. Fifty people surrounded me yet it felt like it was just me and the elephant. It was then that I realized how close I was to my breaking point. It took no more than two lines of Winnie the Pooh (read for all the children still awake as bed time story of sorts) before I broke. My lungs collapsed and my heart shattered under the weight. There were no more children to distract me from my pain. As I walked away from the campfire tears streaming and gasping for air, I sobbed under the night sky and I realized…. no distraction in the world is big enough to make me forget about the elephant in the room.