A true picture of the Body of Christ.

As I sit here looking at my packed bags I find myself pondering the immense peace that is washing over me. Bona and I leave in just a matter of hours and yet I feel no worry, anxiety, or fear. God has been so faithful to get us this far, 3 years and He has always been clearly in control of this journey. I may not have liked everything but I never doubted His sovereignty. And now as I look out at my luggage I of course think of my sweet boy and the joy of the day that is coming so soon! I also find myself thinking about community, about the body of Christ. It says in 1 Peter 4:8-11 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." I love this verse! ( I better, it is tattooed on my arm). I love it because it is exactly what we have been experiencing the last few months. People in our community loving us deeply, offer hospitality, speaking the truth of God into our hearts, and serving us selflessly.

From friends who have stepped in to watch Bona to students praying for our son. We have faithfully seen Christ in and through and around our community. And the most amazing thing is they way our two communities, the one in Ethiopia and the one here in the states, have come together to support each other. That my friends is the body of Christ, people who don't even know each other tied together by their love for our one true King. Oh how I rejoice for they day that I can tell my son that at one point in his journey there were hundreds of people praying for him! None of whom had even met him yet. If that is not a testimony to the power of God's community I am not sure what is. Our son has been held up in prayer, he has been clothed by the generosity of friends and he has been loved by people both near and far.

This journey is about our son first and foremost. But I cannot help but see the amazing power of community that has made it happen. From the bags we have packed with gifts from our Seattle friends to our Ethiopian friends to the bag we carry for our Ethiopian friends who live in Seattle and are sending things to family in Ethiopia. I have watched two communities thousands of miles apart be brought together by one very special boy.  There is so much about this journey that is hard and impossible to understand, there is much sorrow and grief, but this part, the part where the body of Christ has done its part, this will be a great celebration for our family. Our sweet boy will know that he is loved. He will know that God has and will continue to bring many people into his life that will be models of God's great love. And we as a family will celebrate with intense joy that we are loved and prayed for by many. Thank will never be enough for the language lessons, the clothes, the meals, the genuine question, the prayers or the love.

In his Shoes

As we prepare for our long awaited trip to Ethiopia to complete our journey of becoming a family of four it feels like thousands of things are swimming around in my head.  I have a to-do list a mile long, which includes both things for the trip and things for the months after we arrive home.  And to be honest figuring something out doesn’t seem to satisfy my mind or heart.  They are both still fluttering and anxious most of the time.  I don’t feel accomplished or more prepared when I finish something on my mental list, I usually just wonder instead what else I am forgetting.  An endless cycle I have been going through for the last few months. At the end of each task I wonder is this enough?  Did I miss a step or forget to read the right book or contact the right people?  How can I possibly know what to expect? Am I really ready for what God has so clearly called our family to do?  Which is, by the way, the only thing I have not doubted in all of this.  I am still very sure that this is what God called us to two and half years ago.  But regardless of that peace of mind everything else swirls in endless craziness. So most of the time I fell utterly and completely overwhelmed and underprepared for the journey ahead.

And then I pause…. I take a deep breath…. And I think about my son.  Everything I am feeling is buffered by loving and supporting people, by a deep faith in a God who is bigger than all my worry, and an immense love for my son that is beyond description.  But he does not have all this as he prepares for his new family.  Yes he has people in his life that he trusts and who will walk him through this process.  But nothing that is running through my brain can compare to the emotions our son will feel.  Confusion, sadness, anxiety, joy, frustration, anger, happiness, probably all of these things at once and in confusing succession   Add to that goodbyes and new locations, not to mention a new language to learn. Plus countless more things that I will never be able to fully know.  How can anything I am feeling compare to what my son will have to go through to complete this journey?  It is indescribable how hard his part of this whole story will be to fulfill.  I truly believe that we will be a thriving and joyful family, but that will take time and effort that I am yet to understand. Our son will face immense trails to come to a place where he can fully love and trust that we are his forever family.  A weight far far greater than any worry I might have about the coming months.  A reality that I have to remind myself to remember in the midst of all my to-do’s and worrying.  Something that I am finally realizing must be my driving force.  I have to spend the next few months putting myself in my son’s shoes.  Making choices about our family, choices about our journey, and choices about my time and effort that reflect what is ultimately best for my new son.  The sweet boy God has entrusted to me will never see the efforts of a to-do or countless nights of worry, but he will eventually come to see the efforts of a mother who chose to put him first. 

So to all who continue to support us through prayer we ask again that you pray for our son.  He shall surely shoulder burdens and sadness beyond compare as he transitions into this new family.  He brings with him to this new life, a very important piece of himself, his old life.  Please pray that our sweet son may have the strength of God, the love of his family, and a confidence beyond his years as he begins to figure out how to hold tightly to his old life while experiencing fully his new life.  May God fill the days ahead with the right mix of emotions for us all to begin this forever bond.

Faith in Equal and Opposite Directions

How do you live your best life when the life you are living isn't your first choice?  How do you live fully in the day when your mind is preoccupied with something that has yet to happen?  How can you deeply love the people in your life when it always feels like someone is missing? 

This is our reality, for the second time and probably not the last.  We live in a place of great joy, we feel overwhelmingly blessed and incredibly thankful every day.  But we also feel lost and incomplete, often times in the same breath.  It is such a hard thing to describe, but anyone who has ever been called into a place of waiting knows what we are feeling.  Being clearly called by God to do something, but feeling so overwhelmingly frustrated by the time it takes for this calling to come to fruition.  How can God be so present and yet feel so far away?  We don’t know, we have no answer to why faith is so strangely conflicting.  Some days we lean into the frustration, we ask why and wonder where God is in all of the pain.  Others days we feel wrapped in the fold of God, protected and guided.  It makes no sense, but yet we feel a consistent joy. 

So even in the timing of our adoption we are in limbo.  Sometimes it looks hopefully that we will travel to bring our sweet boy home in July and other times it is clear that October is probably a more realistic timeline. We are asking for prayer for paperwork, officials, adoption workers, and nannies.  But as always our greatest prayer is for our son.

We also know full well, the conflict of emotions we feel now is nothing compared to what our son will experience.  The joy of a new family next to the immense sadness of losing a family.  The excitement of a new environment paired with desire for things to stay the same.  Wanting to be loved and valued but not understanding why a stranger would want to provide those things.  Having a little brother to share his childhood with but missing all of his friends at the care center.  There is no scenario where we can even begin to understand what our son will go through during the first few years of transitioning into our lives. 

So, just as we have done so far, we are preparing ourselves to lean hard into God through the continued wait.  And most importantly through the whole process of parenting our sons.  We know the power of prayer.  We feel the blanket of love through the people who continue to walk this journey with us.  Much of our son’s journey will be indescribably difficult.  We will do our very best to surround him with prayer and support.  And hope that he will know, just as we know, that faith can live in the conflict of emotions.  That God is big enough for us to both trust and question him.  That his love is strong enough to withstand confusion, anger and frustration.  And that no matter what, God loves us and finds us more valuable then we can ever imagine.  This is the truth to which we will cling.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Thank you for understanding that some days we love to talk about where we are at with the adoption, and others we just cannot muster the strength. Thank you for asking regardless and for praying faithfully on our behalf.

Stew

Many people have asked Mike and me in the last few weeks how things are going with our adoption or how they can be praying for us. And we are so incredibly thankful for your support. We also don’t always know how to respond or what to say in that moment, so we wanted to give you a little better idea of what is going on. 

Logistically we hope to leave for Ethiopia sometime in the next 3 months.  We have been told we may have as short as a week’s notice to travel.  We are also currently trying to find ways to raise a little more money and we are still in the throes of paperwork.  Emotional, we are a big stew of excitement, joy, fear, frustration, happiness, smiles and tears.  And with each bite of reality we find ourselves mulling over which flavor will be most prevalent in that moment.  But like a good stew, most bites are an indistinguishable blend of everything.  We know that every emotion is working together, flavoring this experience from beginning to end.  That doesn't change the fact some bites are harder to stomach than others.

So how did we get to this place, to eating this stew of mixed emotions on a daily, no hourly basis? To put it simply, we said yes. We agreed to let God take us down a path of faith and trust without knowing what the road ahead would hold. We decide that God had a far superior handle on how and when our family would be formed. And we trusted that no matter how uncomfortable our faith would feel at times, God is always planted firmly in the middle of it all.

It is through this faithfulness that we arrived here. Here being, right in the middle of a long adoption process with a half-finished house, half sane minds, and completely full hearts. We are near the end of this process but more importantly approaching the beginning of our life as a family of four. And much like the advice people give to prepare for a marriage not a wedding, we find ourselves reckoning each day not only with the paperwork and logistics of bringing home our son but also the reality of the events that necessitated this adoption in the first place. The logistics are extremely stressful, the potential of receiving only a weeks’ notice to travel, figuring out what we will do for both of our jobs and praying that the money and resources we need will be available when we really need them. All of it sends us into a flurry of emotions. But the truth is, the greatest struggle we have experienced in these last few months has nothing to do with those things. I think because deep down we know God is taking care of them, we know because he always has. Maybe not in the way we expected, but in 10 years of being together we have hundreds of examples where God has done, well, what God does. Stepped in and blew us away with his love and provision and grace and mercy. So as much as we wish all the pieces would fall into place, this is not what bring us to our knees, this is not our greatest pray. 

What brings us to our knees, what exposes the raw fleshy parts of our being and drains us of the ability to think straight, is the reality of why and how our sons came to be a part of our family. Adoption has and will continue to be the most joyful thing either of us have ever experienced. It is the closest we will ever come to understanding how God could accept us into his family with so much grace and love. But not unlike Paul or Job or David or Ruth and Naomi, we know full well the joy of the Lord does not mean a life devoid of pain and suffering. In fact James tells us “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” We know all this, we trust that God is faithful, we pray that our boys will someday feel the completeness that only God can gives them, but our hearts still ache. The tears always on the edge of our eye lids and the pain hidden just below the surface. 

So how can you pray for us? Pray for our boys. Pray that they will feel comfortable grieving when they feel the weight of all they have lost. Pray that they will know it is ok to feel incomplete. Pray that they will not feel isolated or different when everyone else has a family tree or baby pictures, or family history. Pray that God would fill the places in their hearts that we as parents can never understand. Pray that they will believe they are valuable and that they will know that they are loved. Pray that they will know it is ok to be mad about the loss of their first family. Pray that they will know that their identity is complicated and it is ok if they don’t want to talk about it or explain it to every person who asks. Pray that above all else, in this very unideal situation that they would believe truly and wholly that God is big enough. That God knows their hurt and shares in their joys and he does not expect them to deal with this part of their life in any way but what they see is best. That they don’t have to be happy or grateful if they instead feel sad and angry for what they lost. Pray that the journey of our boys will be in God’s hands and his hands alone. 

Thank you for loving us enough to pray for our sweet boys and in particular our oldest, who is about to experience an extremely hard transition into life as our son. It will surely be filled with many moments of great joy and happiness but also moments of great sadness and frustration. The stew of life I suppose.