Joy and sorrow in the same breath

How does one even begin to write about such a day? How do we put into words the experience of meeting our son for the first time? How do we describe the journey from paperwork to meeting, from calling to reality, from America to Ethiopia? To be honest we are not entirely sure. But we will try to describe it for you the best way we know how. Be warned, although this post is mostly about our beautiful baby boy, it is also about the reality of where we are and of the circumstances that make adoption necessary at all. We can honestly say that never in our lives have we felt sheer joy and sheer heartache in the same breath. We did not know it was possible to have both love overflowing and grief overwhelming. So please bear with us this post may teeter between two very mixed emotions. But considering the circumstance both seem entirely necessary and also unavoidable.

The day we meet our son will forever be one of the most amazing days of our family’s life. It was a moment we have waited for so long. A day, at times, we thought may never arrive. But to be totally honest the preparation it took to be able to leave home for 2 months left us little space to imagine or even speculate what this day would look like. But at some point in the process we probably thought it would be like the beautiful videos we had seen of other families adopting. You know with music playing in the background and two parents sitting poised and ready to meet their child. They come in as they are handed over it all happens in slow motion and tears form in the parents eyes, and the baby laughs as they hold him for the first time, pretty perfect right? Well……. our meeting was not like this, not at all in fact. But it was perfect nonetheless. And in fact much more suited to us than the videos we had seen. It was very laid back, almost nonchalant you could say. As if we had been there many times and it was common knowledge that this was our son.

It went kind of like this…. We showed up at the place (down a very narrow unnamed road) and our adoption “host” (she works for our organization) tapped on the large metal gate. No one came so our driver tapped louder. Someone opened the gate that lead into a small courtyard. We were taken to the nurse’s office, (a small out building near the care center) there we meet the main nurse/care taker for the center. We introduced ourselves, she lead us out of the office and over to the care center. We stepped into a small room, about the size our living room. The far wall had side by side cribs lining it and there were two couches to sit on. And before we could even sit down or for that matter set our stuff down a nanny came in and handed Mike our baby boy. No music, no slow motion and no tears… it was perfect! (We didn’t even have time to take out the video camera) As Mike held him we tried to take it all in, we hugged and kissed him. We talked to him and made funny noises. The nannies stayed, the nurse stayed, there were little ones underfoot and babies crying in the background… it was perfect! We went into the adjacent playroom, also about the sizes of our living room, but every wall had side by side cribs… it was perfect. We put our baby boy down with all the other kids and he lay on his tummy. He also showed off his rolling over skills for us! Babies cried in the background others smiled and watched us, and one little girl crawled all over baby boy, he didn’t seem to mind… it was perfect! After a while we took him back to the couches to sit. One of the nannies came over and tickled him and he let out lots of big laughs and smiles. In fact that is what he did for the whole 2 hours we were there… it was perfect! We took him out into the court yard and some little ones came over to see us. They began giving him kisses and touching his soft hair. Baby boy made a few scrunchy faces but in general was not bothered by the little finger and lips that were so eager to love on him… it was perfect. The older children came out later and began to play football (soccer). We watched for a little bit then went back inside for a softer seat than the concrete step. Baby lay in Mike’s lap and played for a bit, then began to stare into space. As we watched the nannies put all the other kids in bed it become obvious that Baby was tired too. Mandy rocked him for maybe two minutes before he was asleep in her arms, oblivious and undeterred by the chaos of crying around him. We both agreed that maybe it was not a sleep machine he needs but a recording of the care center. After he woke up we feed him an orange colored puree. Which we found out was fish, onions, garlic and a few other vegetables… it was perfect (and a little weirdJ, garlic?!?!) After that Mike held Baby boy and Mandy helped feed one of the other babies. We both said our goodbyes and kissed Baby goodbye. We laid him in the crib and for the first time heard him cry. Those were first tears of the day for all three of us… it was perfect but also very very hard!

In general the only word that really describes the day is surreal. We sat together in our guesthouse and ask what the other one thought. There weren’t many words exchanged, as neither of us knew quite what to say. We were both pleasantly surprised by what a happy baby he was. And shocked at how big and different he looked from the first picture we got. We agreed that at times it felt very natural, like he was “our son” but at other times it felt like we were just holding a baby in the care center. There were moments of sheer love and excitement as well as moments of concern. We loved every moment and yet it was a sort of an out of body experience.

The center it self was pretty small. About twenty babies from infant to 2 years living in three adjoined rooms that combine to about 10’ by 40’ in size. (there was a larger area where the bigger kids stayed as well) Considering the fact there were twenty plus kids living in such a confined space it was clean and well maintained. And the nannies were very good with the babies. A baby did not cry for long or have a runny nose or a stinky diaper for very long. The nannies were very attentive to their needs. They were also very kind and welcoming to us. The outside of the center had a few small courtyards were the kids could play. And there were little ones running around most of the time! It was the little ones at foot that made the second days visit one of a very different kind of emotion.

The second day we went with the doctor to the care center. Once we arrived we were greeted by a new set of nannies. We took Baby boy into the nurse’s offices with our medical doctor (she works for our agency not the care center). She went through all the updated medical information, and as it was before, everything looked good. He was growing and had all his immunizations done. We had no real questions or concerns for her. Although later Mike did want to ask about a spot on his bum, which the doctor confirmed was diaper rash. I guess it was more convincing coming from the doctor than his wife J. Overall, we consider ourselves and Baby very blessed, as he is healthy and very happy! After our medical visit we were able to spend a few more hours with him. The events were much like the day before. Playing, laughing, eating, and a little bit of sleeping. But there was something different about this day. You see today, whoever was not holding Baby could not be found right next to the other as they were the day before. Instead you could find them two sometimes three kids deep. There was bouncing and tickling and games! We of course caught glimpses of Baby if we weren’t holding him but most of our attention was focused on a growing crowd of little ones. They carried around Mandy’s bag and yelled “mama” or “papa”. On the whole Mandy happily lost 5 pens, a small flash light and her sunglasses to the kids. There was lots of tickling and tossing. Each of the kids was coming in and out of the small rooms at various times. There was some fighting over the treasures found in Mandy’s purse and many wanted to see the book we brought for Baby that held pictures of his family. And at one point a little girl told the nanny that Baby boy was hers and that we should leave. But for the most part they were happy and playful! One little guy in particular liked giving Baby kisses and hung around us the majority of the time. It was great to love on the other ones! Some may have been annoyed or desired to focus on “their child” which is understandable I guess, but for both of us it was impossible not to hug and kiss any child that came near. We loved every minute, whether it was holding Baby boy or tickling a three toddler pile up on our lap. It all felt right in the moment. Baby didn’t cry today as we laid him in his crib, which was good. But as we said goodbye we found a very sad and dejected little one, (The one who had been with us most of the day). As he held the small flashlight from Mandy’s purse his head hung low. He knew we were leaving and he wasn’t too happy about it.

Reality is never gentle, and this slap in the face was no different. As we rode away there was still a linger joy about seeing our Baby again, but there was also a very deep sorrow. We may be here to pick up our son, but who is going to take home the little boy with a sad face and nothing but a small flashlight? Who is going to dote over and bring pictures books for the other children there? Who is going to give the rest of these children a home? We know of course that many of the babies will find forever homes through adoption. But what about the older ones? What about the reality that these kids have no one but the nannies that care for them each day. There is no amount of happiness that could cover the sting of that reality. There will never be enough pictures of our happy healthy boy to blot out the memory of the children begging at each street corner. There is nothing we can do to stop ourselves from thinking “what if that was our Baby?” The truth is, adoption is an amazing blessing and life changing experience, but it is also heartbreaking. I am quite sure that every adoptive parent in the world would gladly forgo adoption if it meant that there would no longer be pain or suffering. No longer circumstance that produced unwanted children, or if it could erase poverty and death. Not a one of us would hesitate. But that is not the reality. The reality is that adoption is needed, because every child deserves a chance to be loved and cared for. Every child should be able to have the best possible chance at life. But again that is not a reality. The reality is that there are way more orphans than there are parents willing to adopt them. There will always be poverty; there will always be circumstance unfit for raising a child. So yes, we are happy and over the moon for our little guy. We love him with every fiber of our being!! But for the last 2 years he has been a little boy in our thoughts, then a little guy in pictures, and now he is a little guy living in a care center with lots of other orphaned children. Those kids did not show up in our thoughts or the pictures we were sent. But they were sure there when we meet him. They are there waiting, just like our son waited for us; unaware of the reality of their lives, unfamiliar with the word orphan, unsure of their future. So as you can tell this day was different. This day was why we came in the first place. On this day we felt helpless and hopeful with each breath. We felt anxious and at ease with every movement. We were left not searching for words as we were the day before but instead left praying about how many more children we can and will adopt. Because you see, this reality was not in slow motion with music playing in the background and tears welling in our eyes. This reality was found in the face of a dejected small boy with nothing but a small flashlight.