As we prepare for our long awaited trip to Ethiopia to
complete our journey of becoming a family of four it feels like thousands of
things are swimming around in my head. I
have a to-do list a mile long, which includes both things for the trip and
things for the months after we arrive home.
And to be honest figuring something out doesn’t seem to satisfy my mind
or heart. They are both still fluttering
and anxious most of the time. I don’t
feel accomplished or more prepared when I finish something on my mental list, I
usually just wonder instead what else I am forgetting. An endless cycle I have been going through
for the last few months. At the end of each task I wonder is this enough? Did I miss a step or forget to read the right
book or contact the right people? How
can I possibly know what to expect? Am I really ready for what God has so
clearly called our family to do? Which
is, by the way, the only thing I have not doubted in all of this. I am still very sure that this is what God
called us to two and half years ago. But
regardless of that peace of mind everything else swirls in endless craziness.
So most of the time I fell utterly and completely overwhelmed and underprepared
for the journey ahead.
And then I pause…. I take a deep breath…. And I think about
my son. Everything I am feeling is
buffered by loving and supporting people, by a deep faith in a God who is
bigger than all my worry, and an immense love for my son that is beyond
description. But he does not have all this
as he prepares for his new family. Yes
he has people in his life that he trusts and who will walk him through this
process. But nothing that is running
through my brain can compare to the emotions our son will feel. Confusion, sadness, anxiety, joy,
frustration, anger, happiness, probably all of these things at once and in
confusing succession Add to that
goodbyes and new locations, not to mention a new language to learn. Plus
countless more things that I will never be able to fully know. How can anything I am feeling compare to what
my son will have to go through to complete this journey? It is indescribable how hard his part of this
whole story will be to fulfill. I truly
believe that we will be a thriving and joyful family, but that will take time
and effort that I am yet to understand. Our son will face immense trails to
come to a place where he can fully love and trust that we are his forever
family. A weight far far greater than
any worry I might have about the coming months.
A reality that I have to remind myself to remember in the midst of all
my to-do’s and worrying. Something that
I am finally realizing must be my driving force. I have to spend the next few months putting
myself in my son’s shoes. Making choices
about our family, choices about our journey, and choices about my time and
effort that reflect what is ultimately best for my new son. The sweet boy God has entrusted to me will
never see the efforts of a to-do or countless nights of worry, but he will
eventually come to see the efforts of a mother who chose to put him first.
So to all who continue to support us through prayer we ask
again that you pray for our son. He
shall surely shoulder burdens and sadness beyond compare as he transitions into
this new family. He brings with him to
this new life, a very important piece of himself, his old life. Please pray that our sweet son may have the
strength of God, the love of his family, and a confidence beyond his years as
he begins to figure out how to hold tightly to his old life while experiencing
fully his new life. May God fill the
days ahead with the right mix of emotions for us all to begin this forever
bond.
