In his Shoes

As we prepare for our long awaited trip to Ethiopia to complete our journey of becoming a family of four it feels like thousands of things are swimming around in my head.  I have a to-do list a mile long, which includes both things for the trip and things for the months after we arrive home.  And to be honest figuring something out doesn’t seem to satisfy my mind or heart.  They are both still fluttering and anxious most of the time.  I don’t feel accomplished or more prepared when I finish something on my mental list, I usually just wonder instead what else I am forgetting.  An endless cycle I have been going through for the last few months. At the end of each task I wonder is this enough?  Did I miss a step or forget to read the right book or contact the right people?  How can I possibly know what to expect? Am I really ready for what God has so clearly called our family to do?  Which is, by the way, the only thing I have not doubted in all of this.  I am still very sure that this is what God called us to two and half years ago.  But regardless of that peace of mind everything else swirls in endless craziness. So most of the time I fell utterly and completely overwhelmed and underprepared for the journey ahead.

And then I pause…. I take a deep breath…. And I think about my son.  Everything I am feeling is buffered by loving and supporting people, by a deep faith in a God who is bigger than all my worry, and an immense love for my son that is beyond description.  But he does not have all this as he prepares for his new family.  Yes he has people in his life that he trusts and who will walk him through this process.  But nothing that is running through my brain can compare to the emotions our son will feel.  Confusion, sadness, anxiety, joy, frustration, anger, happiness, probably all of these things at once and in confusing succession   Add to that goodbyes and new locations, not to mention a new language to learn. Plus countless more things that I will never be able to fully know.  How can anything I am feeling compare to what my son will have to go through to complete this journey?  It is indescribable how hard his part of this whole story will be to fulfill.  I truly believe that we will be a thriving and joyful family, but that will take time and effort that I am yet to understand. Our son will face immense trails to come to a place where he can fully love and trust that we are his forever family.  A weight far far greater than any worry I might have about the coming months.  A reality that I have to remind myself to remember in the midst of all my to-do’s and worrying.  Something that I am finally realizing must be my driving force.  I have to spend the next few months putting myself in my son’s shoes.  Making choices about our family, choices about our journey, and choices about my time and effort that reflect what is ultimately best for my new son.  The sweet boy God has entrusted to me will never see the efforts of a to-do or countless nights of worry, but he will eventually come to see the efforts of a mother who chose to put him first. 

So to all who continue to support us through prayer we ask again that you pray for our son.  He shall surely shoulder burdens and sadness beyond compare as he transitions into this new family.  He brings with him to this new life, a very important piece of himself, his old life.  Please pray that our sweet son may have the strength of God, the love of his family, and a confidence beyond his years as he begins to figure out how to hold tightly to his old life while experiencing fully his new life.  May God fill the days ahead with the right mix of emotions for us all to begin this forever bond.