Faith in Equal and Opposite Directions

How do you live your best life when the life you are living isn't your first choice?  How do you live fully in the day when your mind is preoccupied with something that has yet to happen?  How can you deeply love the people in your life when it always feels like someone is missing? 

This is our reality, for the second time and probably not the last.  We live in a place of great joy, we feel overwhelmingly blessed and incredibly thankful every day.  But we also feel lost and incomplete, often times in the same breath.  It is such a hard thing to describe, but anyone who has ever been called into a place of waiting knows what we are feeling.  Being clearly called by God to do something, but feeling so overwhelmingly frustrated by the time it takes for this calling to come to fruition.  How can God be so present and yet feel so far away?  We don’t know, we have no answer to why faith is so strangely conflicting.  Some days we lean into the frustration, we ask why and wonder where God is in all of the pain.  Others days we feel wrapped in the fold of God, protected and guided.  It makes no sense, but yet we feel a consistent joy. 

So even in the timing of our adoption we are in limbo.  Sometimes it looks hopefully that we will travel to bring our sweet boy home in July and other times it is clear that October is probably a more realistic timeline. We are asking for prayer for paperwork, officials, adoption workers, and nannies.  But as always our greatest prayer is for our son.

We also know full well, the conflict of emotions we feel now is nothing compared to what our son will experience.  The joy of a new family next to the immense sadness of losing a family.  The excitement of a new environment paired with desire for things to stay the same.  Wanting to be loved and valued but not understanding why a stranger would want to provide those things.  Having a little brother to share his childhood with but missing all of his friends at the care center.  There is no scenario where we can even begin to understand what our son will go through during the first few years of transitioning into our lives. 

So, just as we have done so far, we are preparing ourselves to lean hard into God through the continued wait.  And most importantly through the whole process of parenting our sons.  We know the power of prayer.  We feel the blanket of love through the people who continue to walk this journey with us.  Much of our son’s journey will be indescribably difficult.  We will do our very best to surround him with prayer and support.  And hope that he will know, just as we know, that faith can live in the conflict of emotions.  That God is big enough for us to both trust and question him.  That his love is strong enough to withstand confusion, anger and frustration.  And that no matter what, God loves us and finds us more valuable then we can ever imagine.  This is the truth to which we will cling.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Thank you for understanding that some days we love to talk about where we are at with the adoption, and others we just cannot muster the strength. Thank you for asking regardless and for praying faithfully on our behalf.